This is my story, and I'm sticking to it

 I don't know when or if I'll ever post this, but I need to get the story out. I'm tired of telling it already, so maybe people can just read this if they don't know. There are enough details to write a book, so I'm just giving the base story. So many things run through my head every day that make my life something that finally makes sense.

I'm going to start with the part way back when I was going through puberty and my mom told me that my older sister Cathy had just told her she is gay. This was very concerning to me because we lived in a conservative small town, and went to an even more conservative church. We were told that being gay was a mortal sin, and friends joked about all gay people being sent to an island that could be blown up, so AIDS would go away. So, my reaction to finding out my sister is gay was less than welcoming. I prayed that she would grow out of it and that none of my friends would find out. I had only met her twice in my life because she lived with her dad in California. She was my sister though, and I didn't want her to go to hell. It makes me sad to think that this is how I was feeling, but it's the truth.

So what was I going to do? I only knew that being heterosexual was normal, and whatever I felt about being straight was the way you should feel about it. I got out of Sweet Home, Oregon, I got over my homophobia, but the small mindedness still hung on. I married at 21 because I thought I felt what I should be feeling. I really wanted to have children and my sex drive was fueled by that. I didn't realize this until after Kaevin was born and I was faced with sex for the sake of sex. I started to dread it. After finding out I was pregnant from the failed vasectomy, I felt betrayed by sex and was happy to never do it again. It was a constant problem with Phil, understandably. I was tired, and scared. I couldn't be nice to Phil, fearing he would think I would have sex with him. Now I was mean, and asexual and I didn't care much because I was so busy.

I was running marathons and soon focused on  the Boston Marathon. I was happy at the idea of running away my problems. The focus was on running and it felt wonderful. After qualifying for Boston and running it the next year, I was high on the whole thing. Having that focus for two and a half years made me feel like I  needed more. I looked at more intense races and scared myself away when I saw the training schedule for 100 mile races. I registered for college and waited. While I waited I had time to think about my life. I had thought quite a few times in my life about the possibility that I could be gay. I would look at women that guys thought were hot, and they didn't do anything for me. The girls in clubs that made out with each other just to turn guys on didn't do anything for me, so I must be straight.

 The first term of college, I had a crush on a classmate. I barely talked to her, but I thought about her a lot. Over the next few months of running, and thinking (and thinking and thinking...) it finally hit me. When I was really able to say it to myself, I was so happy. I finally had a reason for everything I had been feeling. I am gay! I was truly happy and had such a peace about it, I didn't even care about how much this was going to screw up my life for a while. I'm not mean, I'm not asexual; I'm just not into men. I can deal with this.

The many stages of coming out at midlife: "I can live with this, nobody will know and I can stay married. I brought this on myself, it's not anyone else's problem."

Then... " Maybe I can stay married while the kids are little, then come out. It would be nice to feel what love is for at least part of my life."

Then..."When did I decide this is all my decision? I just decided for Phil that he has to stay married to someone who can't love him the way he needs?"

So ensued the last two months. Phil knows, my family knows, most of my friends know, the kids know (Kaevin and Irelin only know about the separation). Can I say how amazing everyone has been? Is it even possible for me to explain how well this has gone and how accepting and loving everyone has been? This has been a fairy tale coming out story so far. I know it will get rough, but everyone I care about is supporting me, so anyone that is ugly about this doesn't matter and their opinions don't either.

Everyone deserves to feel true love.