Due Date

A little over 4 months after a pink August moon, I went for a run.
I've been wondering what this day would be like. The last few weeks have been in sick... anticipation? I don't know. I just feel like she was being taken away again.
Ruth was part of Shelly. When you have a child, a piece of your heart and soul become living and separate from you. How do you go on without that part of yourself?
I ran today on a very cold but clear December day. My miles are for her so I think of her when I run. My legs are numb from the cold and the lump in my throat makes it hard to breath. It's 3pm but the sun looks ready to go down. Mt Hood is glowing. I want to move forward.

This is how it is,
~I am so thankful that Shelly got to hold Ruth even though she couldn't keep her here.
~I am so thankful to have Shelly, even with that little missing piece of her heart. I love every thing about her and don't know what I would do without her.
~I'm Thankful for Ruth and the absolute happiness she brought to her mom.

I'm moving forward as the lump in my throat gets smaller.

Good fences make good neighbors? Finding the best way over them makes best friends.

Today is Jaelyn's moving day.

When Avery and Jaelyn started playing together we would lift one or the other over the fence. Soon this became hard on our backs and Jaelyn's dad built a "ladder bridge" over the fence. For the last 3 years a phone call would be made between the two, some begging to parents to please let them play, and always hearing Avery end the call with " I'll meet you at the fence".

Snow shoes, umbrellas, swimsuits - whatever was necessary and they were set to go.

She isn't even moving out of town. They have it timed to a 4 minute drive, but it's nothing like being able to pop over the fence.

I had to get a few pictures...

My new running partner is an angel

I was running today, a horrible 6 miles. I haven't run much the last month and I'm doing a half marathon with Quade and his friend Theron in 2 weeks. Time to get going.
I've been thinking about how my life has changed since Shelly had Ruth. Starting at 2am on August 4th, I was sure some things would change for me. I wanted them to because I wanted there to always to be a way she touched my life. How could my life not change. I didn't want it to just be the 3 weeks of depression or my new questions about the effectiveness of praying. Something positive would be marked by this.
As I'm running this morning Neutral Milk Hotel is starting to sing...

What a beautiful face I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me...

I've heard this song so many times over the years, it's a running favorite. This is the first time it had any meaning.
I run for many reasons and I've succeeded in it thanks to the support of friends and family. From now on I run every race for Ruth. I will qualify and run Boston for her. For every step she'll never get to take and for every Mom and Dad that never get to bring their babies home with them.
Who could ask for a better reason than that.

What a beautiful face I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH3CRVVBL9o

this day is your birthday...

...and the moon is pink for you.

You got,

just this one moon.

For today, the earth revolves around, and around

you.





xo

Reader comes for a visit

Quade, Avery, Kaevin and soon to be Irelin, have had an amazing preschool teacher, Mrs. Walters. Mrs. Walters has a few class pets and one is a rat named Reader. Avery fell in love with Reader this last school year and Mrs. Walters said she would get to babysit him some day.
Mrs. Walters had shoulder surgery last week and we are taking care of Reader. Avery is thrilled. Really, everyone is pretty excited about it. Irelin calls him "Mr. Walters".
He's pretty darn cute and even cuter knowing he isn't a permanent member of the family.

The most fun day

I can't even explain how perfect this day was. Sometimes things are better when you have pretty low expectations for them. We went to the REI Paddle Demo yesterday at Vancouver Lake with my friend Maureen who also has 4 children. It sounded OK when the guy at REI told us about it, but we thought it might be too crowded and I thought that somehow Irelin would be to young to go on a boat. Wow was I wrong.

We got to the beautiful lake on a crazy perfect weather day. As we were standing in the "we won't sue you" form line we notice you can see Mt. St Helens and Mt Hood on the other side of the motor boat free lake. We wait just long enough for the kids to get a short swim in and then we all got fitted for life jackets and paddles. After they give a short demo on how to use a paddle they set us free on a shore lined with at least 60 paddle boats. Single kayaks, double kayaks, canoes, sea kayaks, paddle boards, boats I don't know the name of, but I tried anyway. So family friendly, Quade and Avery could use a boat on their own as long as we stayed close.

I'm almost afraid to tell anyone because I don't want it to be overcrowded next year, but, you wont tell anyone, right?

3 hours 45 minutes

I never wanted to do it. I never thought I could. How dare 'Mr. High & Mighty' makes himself so out of reach!
I thought I didn't want to, and it seemed out of my reach. Everything changed when I was able to look up and see the finish clock at this years Eugene Marathon. I had finished in under 4 1/2 hours. Thirty minutes faster than my last Marathon and I didn't even speed train.
Well shoot, maybe I do want to run it. Maybe I am enticed by the huge goal they set for you in order to qualify. Maybe when the billionth person asks if I've run 'Boston' I could someday say, "Yes, now get off my back!"
Right now I would have to run a Marathon in 3 hours 45 minutes to qualify. That would mean I'd have to shave 45 minutes of my best time. If I wait until I'm forty five I would have 4 hours. I'll do it, someday. Until then when people ask me if I have, I can say,"Not yet."
Apparently your game of hard to get has worked, Mr. Boston Marathon.

Sock update

I'm going to be nice and not include a photo with this one.
The 14.00 socks did the best they could. I had also discovered the power of duct tape as a second skin. Neither of these was enough to protect my already traumatised toes for 26.2 miles. Until two days ago I was pretty sure one of my toes was going to fall off.
I'm kidding. A little.
I'm not sure why distance running gives some people blisters under their toenails, but I am sure that I don't know how to stop it. You can bet that it's super interesting researching it though!
I'm kidding. A lot.
Now I head into pretty painted toenail season with at least one less toenail. I'm not sure how long it will take to come back. Someone suggested modifying a "Lee Press on Nail" for my toes.
They were kidding. I'm considering it.

I'm a runner?

From the information I've gathered from my Runners World Magazine, I have realized I'm not a hardcore runner. Some might even call me (gasp) a jogger.
The magazine has tips every month on speed training, to shave seconds off your races; how to add hex screws to the bottom of your shoes so you can run in snow and ice; and many inspirational articles about the athletes out there who run 100 mile super marathons and 2 day long triathlons.
I saw an add in the magazine for these socks-



-I know they are ugly, and on top of that, they are 14.00 a pair. I'm pretty desperate. I get lovely blisters on the ends of my middle toes when I do long runs. I think these socks will help. I have the Eugene Marathon in one month so I guess I'll soon find out. If they don't work out I have some super cool socks that can be worn with flip flops.

Sceptically Spectacled

On Thursday Avery's teacher told me that Avery has been squinting in class and that I might want to have her eyes checked. Fortunately dear Mrs. Williams had forgotten that she told me this two months ago, so I didn't seem like a bad mom for not taking her to the doctor already. When she told me the first time it coincided with her best girlfriend getting glasses and seemed a little fishy to me.

When I was Avery's age I wanted a broken leg. I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted glasses.

She seemed fine so I let it go until now. Mrs. Williams might not forget this time and maybe Avery does need glasses.
Yesterday, as we were heading to the doctors I still had my doubts and wondered how I would react if the Doctor said her eyes were fine. I quizzed Avery on a few traffic signs.

"What does that one say?" I asked while the billboard was still pretty far off.
"T-tom, thhhhh...." as we get close I realize she is reading the wrong sign.
"Oh, Tomotherapy- that's a hard word" I say. My eye test is inconclusive.
We didn't have to be at the appointment long to realize that Avery is fairly nearsighted. Even she seemed pretty surprised. I was a little excited to pick out glasses. Avery is practical though. She had a pair picked out in five minutes, and I stifled my desire to have her try on every pair in the store. She looks really cute in them. I don't feel bad for waiting. Part of knowing her so well is knowing that I needed to wait and see if this was real instead of rushing her off to the eye doctor.

It was amazing to be there when she noticed the details in branches on far away trees.

Irelin...

Her own woman. Baby of the family, trying to rule the world. Intense focus, genuine concern. Tender towards all creatures, except ants.

Kaevin...

Logical little man, trying to figure out what makes everyone and everything tick. Slap stick humor. Short fuse, sincere apologies. Observant, complimentary, loyal. Such an affectionate boy. Enviable hand eye coordination. Visible personality.

Avery...

Mind like a trap, my go-to girl. To caught up in the next big project to pick up her socks. Love of all cute animals, stuffed or real. Teacher and caretaker to her siblings; tying shoes, zipping zippers, finder of the lost anything, bandaging the boo-boos. Agressive, fearless.

Quade...

Big brother extraordinaire. Hovering guardian, cautious, but willing to try new things. Eager to learn. Non-stop energy, competitive, bottomless pit. Wonderful memory. Entertaining wit that still catches me off guard. How are you so old already?

90 cent Banana

Avery and I walk in to get coffee before her basketball practice. My attention is immediately drawn to a perfect banana sitting on a platter that seemed to be made for it. Bed Bath and Beyond would sell the plates as "Banana Platters", a four pack for 10.00.
I ask, "Is this a real banana?"
"Yes, but I've had a few other people remark about it", says the coffee lady.
I say, "It looks so perfect on the platter, propped up in the back like it's art."
She said she straightened it a minute ago and was thinking it needed a nice apple to complete the whole 'still life' art feel it was giving off.
I glanced behind me, half expecting that I was blocking a group of art students who were trying to sketch the whole thing as fast as they could.
We entertained ourselves with a few more jokes about the banana before my coffee was ready. I got a picture with my Blackberry, and really wished I was crazy enough to walk around all day with my Nikon around my neck. These are the best kind of pictures.

That Story about Borders and Avery's birth

When any of the kids have a birthday I spend the day before thinking about the day before they were born and what let up to my labor and their delivery. Avery turned 8 yesterday. I think her story is the most remarkable because the underlying part of the whole story is that my best friend Shelly and I had a deep dark secret. We knew I was having a boy.
It's mid January 2001 when my obgyn noticed a skip in the heart beat while preforming a routine prenatal exam.My doctor called a specialist so I could get a "high definition ultrasound" to check for problems. Obviously everything ended up fine, but Shelly came to this visit with me because Phil could not get out of work. (he had a really good excuse, so I was not mad) We made it clear that I did not want to know the sex of the baby. I love surprises. I wanted to wait. While the scan was being done he asked me if I had a boy or girl at home, then he asked me what names I had picked out. Then he fixated on the boys name, asking if it was Irish and if it was after a family member. Shelly and I knew that he knew the sex of the baby. In the waiting room afterwards we decided it would be our secret. It's a boy.
February 3rd 2001, I meet Shelly at the giant Borders near her house. It's our favorite place to be. I look at medical dictionaries and we settle in a section of the store where we might find books that give me tips on how to go into labor. I stand most of the evening to try to get gravity to do it's job. I'm having braxton hics, like I have for weeks, but they are painless. Shelly is amazed how firm the false labor makes my belly. The body is a strange machine. We end our night as the store closes a bit after 10:00.I called her about 2 hours after I dropped her off. (She was there when Quade was born; more importantly,she was there for the awful, drug free labor.) She came and got Quade, dropped him off with her husband at their house and missed Avery's delivery by minutes. I had a 1 hour 40 min labor. Ouch. She came to the hospital room door and Phil met her with "It's a girl!"
She thinks:
1. This is a joke because that was way to fast.
2. I know it's a boy, so, yeah this is a joke.
Once she makes it past Phil she sees me and Avery and whispers "It's a girl?"
That doctor is a jerk. He was messing with us. It took me days to get it through my head that I had a girl. Every time I changed her diaper it was like finding out all over again. I would have been so happy to have a boy, I told everyone that I didn't care if it was a boy or girl, but I really, really wanted it to be a girl.

One last push, I really didn't want to push any more. I didn't get any medication. I wanted something to take the pain away. Shelly needs to be here. Dr. Gilotti says, if you push one more time you'll have the baby and then there will be no more pain. It was only my 3rd push. I can do this. So I push.
Then Dr Gilotti says it. "It's a girl!".
I say, in absolute, obvious disbelief "It's a girl?!"
She is laughing, not sure why I don't believe her and shows me my baby girl, "see?" she says.
I saw, and the pain was gone.

The girl! Avery Meredith

Multi-tasking: Take 2

I'm loading the dishwasher after unloading it. I will point out that I hate doing dishes, but, I like loading better. It gives the kitchen a pretty quick makeover to hide all those dishes away. And, boy oh boy, do we generate a kitchen full quickly. Loading, loading...oh right, I was going to wash the pears. Wash pears. Back to dishwasher. Unloading, unloading...gross, this plate is nasty. How did it not get clean at all? Oh, right. whoops. Now I have to find the nasty dishes I did manage to put away. Concentrate on loading, loading...
Quade and Avery know how to do this job. Next I'll train them to do laundry.

Tag-a-long's note

So, here I am just filling this blog with things I wrote before, but, this is for Shelly. When Shelly's cat, Tag-a-long, was dying last year I had a note running through my head of what he would have said to her if he could. I typed it all out and thought it was better to give it to her before he died. I know some people don't really "get" having pets, especially cats because they are so independent. Tag-a-long was a different sort of kitty. That cat would come when she called him and stayed by her. He was timid of strangers and only sat with me a handful of times. He was small, poufy and had low lying ears that reminded me of Yoda. Even his little cat noises were different. Mainly, he was with Shelly through every event that happened to her in her adult life. How can she deal with loosing him when most people will just pass it off as a pet dying?
This is what he had to say to her, (note: runny nose guy is Shelly's fiance who is allergic to cats)

You were there for me when I was tiny and only had a box as a home.
You were there to feed me and keep me warm, so I could grow.
You made me feel special with all the sweet things you say, in that voice I know is only for me.
I was there when you felt sad, or hurt, I slept as close as I could.
I was there to tame that giant dog, I was here first!
I was there when we moved houses, over and over.
I was there when you felt sick, stressed, I slept closer and closer.
I was there when my wild little brother came home one day.
I let little brother stay, but I was here first.
You were there for me when my adventure over the balcony went all wrong.
You searched for me and found me, I knew you would.
You cleaned me up and made me warm again.
I was there when we moved, and moved.
I was there when it was just you, me and brother.
I slept even closer.
I was there when you were happy , really happy.
I was there to meet the guy with the runny nose; Is this what makes you happy?
I was here first.
You were there for me when we moved AGAIN to the biggest house I have ever seen!
You were there to make me feel safe in this new place.
I was there to make you feel safe in this new place.
I was there for you when you were happy.
I was there when you brought home that dog, that’s all I have to say about him.
You were there to make that dog be nice to me,
I was here first
I was there when you brought home that other dog. She makes the other one seem like a genius.
You were there to make her be nice to me, too.
You were there when I didn’t feel very good.
You were there for little brother when he didn’t feel good.
I was there when you were so, so sad.
I’ve been there for you and you have been there for me.
I wouldn’t feel good leaving you in this place if you weren’t happy, and I know you are. I know that runny nose guy makes you happy and I can tell you are healthy
I think this is the best we have ever been and that you will be fine. I couldn’t leave you unless I knew this.I’ll always be with you, I will always tag along

a pictue of him as a kitten, it's an old picture- he's in the back. White with black on his head.

Mother's Cookies

You would think an event would have to be pretty dramatic to be one of the few memories that you have from your earlier years. I have these;

~Getting my doll, Stephanie, when I was 2. It's very foggy, but I know it happened because my parents confirmed the details I gave them.
~Being on a walk with my brother Thom, my Mother, and some other lady. Thom, who is under one year old at the time, spits up on his shirt and my Mom's friend knelt down to the stroller and rubbed his shirt together in the front to make the stuff soak in. I thought that was weird and I was only three.
~Bouncing on my Mom's leg as she sang "Banbury Cross". We were in a laundromat and I was three-ish.
~Eating the little round sprinkles that are on "Mother's Frosted Circus Animals" cookies out of the carpet with my brother Thom. I was four, he was two. I don't remember eating the cookies, but whatever was left in the bottom of the bag made it all over the carpeting in the living room and Thom and I spent a great deal of an afternoon scanning every inch of the carpet for sprinkles.

These are strange memories to hold on to. Not dramatic or exciting. The last one I have here about the sprinkles has played into the last couple months with the closing of the "Mother's Cookies" factory. It was bad timing for me.( I'm sure all the people that lost their jobs were feeling the same way.) My Nana died two days after the election and my sister and I were talking about things that could help memorialize her. One small thing would be to continue keeping cookies in the cookie jar at our Dad's house. Nana never baked, but she was spectacular at keeping goodies in the house. So we said we would always keep that jar stocked with "Mother's" cookies. We went to three grocery stores only to find empty space where cookies used to be. We had so many other things going on at the time that we let it go. About a week after her memorial service I remembered to use my trusty Google search bar to find out what was up with "Mother's". That's when I found out the bad news. I wasn't in a great state to be hearing any bad news. Quickly I figured out that they were sending all the last cases to a store nearby and so began the cookie therapy. I'm not sure what my reasoning was, but I bought a lot of cookies and ate enough to, I don't know- make me so sick of them that I would be fine with never having them again.(?) The store still has some left. You can tell they are running out. The regular stores still have a big sad hole in the cookie section and I'm not so sick of the cookies that I will never want one again. I think the cookies became a distraction from the real issue. Nana died. It's baffling, cookies or no cookies.
There will always be cookies in that green cookie jar. Maybe our new vow should be that they should never be home made.

A Note about Nana

This is a note I wrote and posted on my Facebook while my grandmother was in the hospital. I'm re-posting it here because I'd like to have anything I manage to write all in one place. The picture was taken with my camera phone. I think the low quality of the picture means more to me than if I had been planing to take a picture and brought in the big DSLR. Those last days we had with her in the hospital changed me in a great way- I still feel the effect, and I'm so glad my family and I got them.



Nana

Nana moved out to Oregon the same time that we did. We shared a moving van and all lived in my Dad's tiny house while we looked for a house to buy. She lived her whole life in New York. Oregon has been quite the adjustment. Living near her family made it all worth it though. She turned 90 this last February and this July marked 7 years in Oregon. I've spent the last couple days in a hospital room with her and members of our family. She wasn't supposed to get this sick, we don't know why it got this bad, but now we find ourselves just making her comfortable. She sleeps mostly and adjusts her blankets. Sometimes we get a little glimpse at her eyes and she will say a word or two. She has no pain and is so peaceful. Even in her small movements you see the grace that she has always had. She has beautiful hands. All day she folded them over and under the blankets. She spun her wedding ring. My Grandpa put that wedding ring on her finger. Loosing Grandpa was so hard on her and I know she wants to go see him again. Really we can all be sad because we will miss her so much, but I am comforted by her peacefulness. Like she wants to go be with him now. I got a picture of her hands, they say so much about her.

I need to stop multi tasking

I would like to think I will write in this thing once in a while. I have notes running through my head all day. I saw an elderly man riding a BMX bike the other day. I nearly lost control of the car trying to get to my camera phone. I missed the opportunity to get the shot of this guy but I had a full story that would have gone with the picture.
When I run, I listen to my iPod. I make music videos in my head and sometimes have to re-play the song once I figure out the whole set-up. This is probably why I am able to run long distances. My problem now is many things.

1. I am a lazy writer. I'd rather talk
2. I'm horrible at typing
3. I procrastinate
4. I'm sure there is some other reason

Today I am trying to write in all my dates on our calender. The calender has always been my diary, I save them every year so the kids can look back and see that they were never as bored as they remember they were. I got out 2 old calenders to copy dates off of and our school calender, so I can write in school holidays and such. My first problem occurred after realizing I'd grabbed 2004's calender and that was the year I had Kaevin. I started looking at my Ob. appointments and the day I "felt the baby kick!". Awww, that's cute. I didn't even know he was a boy yet. Then Avery's 3rd Birthday party, Quade learning how to read fluently...etc. Then I hear a car in the driveway and see that it is Quade's classmate, Sarah. Oh, yeah! Girl scout cookies. I disregard the fact that the Eugene marathon is in less that four months and order five boxes. I talk a bit with her Mom and when she leaves I remember that I really wanted to clean off the dining room table. I have to pull out the vacuum for this ( dried play dough nuggets everywhere). Somehow I end up vacuuming the kitchen, dining room and then start on the living room when I see the calenders. Oh, right, that's what I was doing. So I finish vacuuming and then realize I never wiped off the table, which was the point of getting the vacuum out in the first place. So I wipe off the play dough free table and decide to start my blog page, only to be reminded a paragraph back that the calenders were still on the couch because Kaevin found them. Now I'm thinking I'll do them tonight when everyone is in bed. I think the new season of "24" starts tonight.


Webster here is my lifelong friend.