This is my story, and I'm sticking to it

 I don't know when or if I'll ever post this, but I need to get the story out. I'm tired of telling it already, so maybe people can just read this if they don't know. There are enough details to write a book, so I'm just giving the base story. So many things run through my head every day that make my life something that finally makes sense.

I'm going to start with the part way back when I was going through puberty and my mom told me that my older sister Cathy had just told her she is gay. This was very concerning to me because we lived in a conservative small town, and went to an even more conservative church. We were told that being gay was a mortal sin, and friends joked about all gay people being sent to an island that could be blown up, so AIDS would go away. So, my reaction to finding out my sister is gay was less than welcoming. I prayed that she would grow out of it and that none of my friends would find out. I had only met her twice in my life because she lived with her dad in California. She was my sister though, and I didn't want her to go to hell. It makes me sad to think that this is how I was feeling, but it's the truth.

So what was I going to do? I only knew that being heterosexual was normal, and whatever I felt about being straight was the way you should feel about it. I got out of Sweet Home, Oregon, I got over my homophobia, but the small mindedness still hung on. I married at 21 because I thought I felt what I should be feeling. I really wanted to have children and my sex drive was fueled by that. I didn't realize this until after Kaevin was born and I was faced with sex for the sake of sex. I started to dread it. After finding out I was pregnant from the failed vasectomy, I felt betrayed by sex and was happy to never do it again. It was a constant problem with Phil, understandably. I was tired, and scared. I couldn't be nice to Phil, fearing he would think I would have sex with him. Now I was mean, and asexual and I didn't care much because I was so busy.

I was running marathons and soon focused on  the Boston Marathon. I was happy at the idea of running away my problems. The focus was on running and it felt wonderful. After qualifying for Boston and running it the next year, I was high on the whole thing. Having that focus for two and a half years made me feel like I  needed more. I looked at more intense races and scared myself away when I saw the training schedule for 100 mile races. I registered for college and waited. While I waited I had time to think about my life. I had thought quite a few times in my life about the possibility that I could be gay. I would look at women that guys thought were hot, and they didn't do anything for me. The girls in clubs that made out with each other just to turn guys on didn't do anything for me, so I must be straight.

 The first term of college, I had a crush on a classmate. I barely talked to her, but I thought about her a lot. Over the next few months of running, and thinking (and thinking and thinking...) it finally hit me. When I was really able to say it to myself, I was so happy. I finally had a reason for everything I had been feeling. I am gay! I was truly happy and had such a peace about it, I didn't even care about how much this was going to screw up my life for a while. I'm not mean, I'm not asexual; I'm just not into men. I can deal with this.

The many stages of coming out at midlife: "I can live with this, nobody will know and I can stay married. I brought this on myself, it's not anyone else's problem."

Then... " Maybe I can stay married while the kids are little, then come out. It would be nice to feel what love is for at least part of my life."

Then..."When did I decide this is all my decision? I just decided for Phil that he has to stay married to someone who can't love him the way he needs?"

So ensued the last two months. Phil knows, my family knows, most of my friends know, the kids know (Kaevin and Irelin only know about the separation). Can I say how amazing everyone has been? Is it even possible for me to explain how well this has gone and how accepting and loving everyone has been? This has been a fairy tale coming out story so far. I know it will get rough, but everyone I care about is supporting me, so anyone that is ugly about this doesn't matter and their opinions don't either.

Everyone deserves to feel true love.

If I'm going to bite off more than I can chew, it might as well be a really tasty bite

I lived off the adrenaline from Boston for weeks. As it started to run out, I found myself looking for my next big goal and knew I was in trouble when I started looking at super marathons. The training schedule for a 100 miler gave me a panic attack and I settled on running the Seattle Marathon at the end of November. Running a Marathon at the end of November IS pretty crazy.

A couple of weeks later I ended up registering for college. The college with the 2.2 mile track I've run hundreds of times, imagining the day I could finally attend it's classes. It started out as my way of proving to Phil that I would never be able to find classes that worked with the stupid half day kindergarten we have in Oregon. I'm not sure how you can even call 2 1/2 hours a half day.
I registered, took the placement tests (as if 20 year old SAT's would help me now...) and expected to sit around for the next year. Instead, I found 2 classes that are perfectly timed with Irelin's school.

So... my "next big goal" is a bachelors degree. In my normal style of biting off more than I can chew, I have chosen clinical laboratory science as my end goal. I'm taking it small bites at a time, but every time I glance at the big picture it almost knocks me over. I really want everything to stay the same. I want to camp and hike and get the kids to soccer practice. I want to be there when they get home from school. I see some of this slipping away in the near future, and it's scary.

Looking at class descriptions for all the Chemistry and Biology classes is scary too. I'll eat, sleep and breathe that stuff soon. I love science, but maybe I wont be able to pass the advanced classes. It's all to unknown for a 'plan ahead person' like me. So for now I'll step blindly into this goal.

I never thought I could run the Boston marathon either.

Time measured by increments of Avery

Ten years ago today I had a 3 year old boy and was due to have a baby any day.
We lived in Bethel, Connecticut. It was a really snowy winter, hundreds of inches.
Heather was living with us and going to high school.
We were getting our condo ready to put on the market and beginning to pack for our big move west.
I was 29!
I had recently flown to Oregon and my family was able to meet me AT the gate.
The last time I ran was in junior high track.

I never thought about the milestone of passing '09 to '10. Didn't really think about everything that happened in that decade. It hit me more when I was just thinking back to the days before I had Avery. Everything has changed. I love my family and my life. I'm thankful for all my Oregon friends. What did I do without you? I'm thankful for my east coast friends. It takes some work to stay in touch and I really appreciate it. What would I do without you guys?
I never would have believed what I was in for. What can we get done in the next 10? I'm going to take it a day at a time. It's to big to imagine right now.


Quade and Nasdaq, pre-Avery

Dear Ruth,

On the day you were born I looked up out of my haze and saw a pink moon. The year has both creeped, and whizzed by. Everything is all blown around and different now. You have been there hovering over my shoulder keeping me focused and helping me keep your mommy strong. Today it is your first birthday. We sent you cards on balloons. I hope you feel the love. You sent us something more amazing. Last night the world was surrounded by aurora borealis. The whole earth glowed just for you, aren't you just an amazing little thing!? I love the way it was worded in this article-

On August 1st, the entire Earth-facing side of the sun erupted in a tumult of activity. There was a C3-class solar flare, a solar tsunami, multiple filaments of magnetism lifting off the stellar surface, large-scale shaking of the solar corona, radio bursts, a coronal mass ejection and more.

Three days later it hit the earth and lit it up like a colorful marble. Thank you for the sign. Happy Birthday, baby girl.

Mile 500

I am running the Newport Marathon on saturday. I'm not training as seriously as I did for Eugene, because this was just my backup marathon in case I didn't qualify in Eugene. I'm really looking forward to this one. I'm just going to enjoy it. No pressure, no time restraint. Hopefully no gross blisters or missing toenails!

It's been so rainy this week I hadn't done my last training run. I knew I would get to do it today when I woke up to some bright light peeking through some non-rain clouds. Ruth's miles have been very neer 500 and I thought I would hit them during the marathon. On my check of miles this morning I realized I would not only hit them on my 4 mile run today, but I would hit them in one of my favorite spots near my house. I took the camera with me since I had Irelin in the jogging stroller. It's Ruth's 10 month birthday tomorrow.

Here we are Ruthie girl, 500 miles

Mother's Day

I know it's a Hallmark day, but I've grown up with it and, like it or not, it means something to me.
Last week while I was running the Eugene marathon I had support from so many family members that came to watch, and cheer, and in Jim's case- run with me.
My mom meets me in the same spot every year, around mile 8. This year I saw her first. As I was calling for her, I really got a look at her face. Looking past me, for me. Really looking hard, and hopeful, and- I guess I just recognised it as the look you have when your watching your kids and so proud. The way I look at my kids. I really wished I could get a picture of her face.
After I called her a few times and slowed just a bit, she saw me and was all flustered trying to get a picture- then she took off down the road ahead of me so she could get another picture. This is the picture.
It's the only picture of me looking happy during the race, and I'm happy because of her. I wish I had time to stop and hug her and tell her how much that look in her eyes meant to me. I'll never forget it.

I am 1624

I got my bib number in an e-mail today, 1624. Race day is coming so fast.
Could I have run more in February and March? I wonder if I stretched enough. I've had three pretty good nightmares about the marathon. Shelly had a dream that I was super tall and won the marathon. I like her dream.
Overall I think I trained as well as I could. I had some great runs, and some really bad runs. I even kept thinking the same pile of branches was a rabbit when I did 10 laps at the local college 2 mile track. I was "run drunk". Mostly, the wind was hard. It pushed me back. Every time it got really hard- I could talk to Ruth and remember why I'm doing this. The last windy day I ran, I had the wind at my back. It pushed so hard that I could imagine two tiny hands at the small of my back, pushing me along.
I'm afraid of failing because I'm not doing this for me. I don't want to fail her.
I have a little bracelet that will be with me when I run the marathon. I add a shell every time I run 100 miles since she was born. All the miles that she has run with me. It has an "R" for Ruth and a little silver shoe, she is my running partner- so she gets her shoe.

Her memory has kept me strong and focused when I feel weak and unsure. Thank you Ruth.

Talk Radio

I have discovered talk radio. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first one, but it's new to me.
NPR is full of amazing shows that entertain me while I run. I had tuned out the music that normally rocks me along. I needed something more distracting. Now, author interviews from "Fresh Air", silly news quizzes from "Wait, wait, don't tell me," and the crazy Boston guys from "Car Talk" get me through my runs.
Maybe I'll figure out how to mix my techno tunes with public radio. Anything to kill time and take my mind away from my legs.
It's April fools day. Four weeks, 3 days until the Eugene marathon. No joke. I don't know if I'll do it in a qualifying time. I have Newport a month later, just in case I don't. It sure would be nice if I could just get it over with in Eugene though.
So, if you see me out running around with my ipod plugged in, you know I'm not keeping pace with my amazing music playlist. Is this a sign of aging? Maturity? Ew, I hope not. All the vitamins, glucosamine and whole wheat stuff I eat are signs of that.
Next adventure? Books on my ipod!

Due Date

A little over 4 months after a pink August moon, I went for a run.
I've been wondering what this day would be like. The last few weeks have been in sick... anticipation? I don't know. I just feel like she was being taken away again.
Ruth was part of Shelly. When you have a child, a piece of your heart and soul become living and separate from you. How do you go on without that part of yourself?
I ran today on a very cold but clear December day. My miles are for her so I think of her when I run. My legs are numb from the cold and the lump in my throat makes it hard to breath. It's 3pm but the sun looks ready to go down. Mt Hood is glowing. I want to move forward.

This is how it is,
~I am so thankful that Shelly got to hold Ruth even though she couldn't keep her here.
~I am so thankful to have Shelly, even with that little missing piece of her heart. I love every thing about her and don't know what I would do without her.
~I'm Thankful for Ruth and the absolute happiness she brought to her mom.

I'm moving forward as the lump in my throat gets smaller.

Good fences make good neighbors? Finding the best way over them makes best friends.

Today is Jaelyn's moving day.

When Avery and Jaelyn started playing together we would lift one or the other over the fence. Soon this became hard on our backs and Jaelyn's dad built a "ladder bridge" over the fence. For the last 3 years a phone call would be made between the two, some begging to parents to please let them play, and always hearing Avery end the call with " I'll meet you at the fence".

Snow shoes, umbrellas, swimsuits - whatever was necessary and they were set to go.

She isn't even moving out of town. They have it timed to a 4 minute drive, but it's nothing like being able to pop over the fence.

I had to get a few pictures...

My new running partner is an angel

I was running today, a horrible 6 miles. I haven't run much the last month and I'm doing a half marathon with Quade and his friend Theron in 2 weeks. Time to get going.
I've been thinking about how my life has changed since Shelly had Ruth. Starting at 2am on August 4th, I was sure some things would change for me. I wanted them to because I wanted there to always to be a way she touched my life. How could my life not change. I didn't want it to just be the 3 weeks of depression or my new questions about the effectiveness of praying. Something positive would be marked by this.
As I'm running this morning Neutral Milk Hotel is starting to sing...

What a beautiful face I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me...

I've heard this song so many times over the years, it's a running favorite. This is the first time it had any meaning.
I run for many reasons and I've succeeded in it thanks to the support of friends and family. From now on I run every race for Ruth. I will qualify and run Boston for her. For every step she'll never get to take and for every Mom and Dad that never get to bring their babies home with them.
Who could ask for a better reason than that.

What a beautiful face I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH3CRVVBL9o

this day is your birthday...

...and the moon is pink for you.

You got,

just this one moon.

For today, the earth revolves around, and around

you.





xo

Reader comes for a visit

Quade, Avery, Kaevin and soon to be Irelin, have had an amazing preschool teacher, Mrs. Walters. Mrs. Walters has a few class pets and one is a rat named Reader. Avery fell in love with Reader this last school year and Mrs. Walters said she would get to babysit him some day.
Mrs. Walters had shoulder surgery last week and we are taking care of Reader. Avery is thrilled. Really, everyone is pretty excited about it. Irelin calls him "Mr. Walters".
He's pretty darn cute and even cuter knowing he isn't a permanent member of the family.

The most fun day

I can't even explain how perfect this day was. Sometimes things are better when you have pretty low expectations for them. We went to the REI Paddle Demo yesterday at Vancouver Lake with my friend Maureen who also has 4 children. It sounded OK when the guy at REI told us about it, but we thought it might be too crowded and I thought that somehow Irelin would be to young to go on a boat. Wow was I wrong.

We got to the beautiful lake on a crazy perfect weather day. As we were standing in the "we won't sue you" form line we notice you can see Mt. St Helens and Mt Hood on the other side of the motor boat free lake. We wait just long enough for the kids to get a short swim in and then we all got fitted for life jackets and paddles. After they give a short demo on how to use a paddle they set us free on a shore lined with at least 60 paddle boats. Single kayaks, double kayaks, canoes, sea kayaks, paddle boards, boats I don't know the name of, but I tried anyway. So family friendly, Quade and Avery could use a boat on their own as long as we stayed close.

I'm almost afraid to tell anyone because I don't want it to be overcrowded next year, but, you wont tell anyone, right?

3 hours 45 minutes

I never wanted to do it. I never thought I could. How dare 'Mr. High & Mighty' makes himself so out of reach!
I thought I didn't want to, and it seemed out of my reach. Everything changed when I was able to look up and see the finish clock at this years Eugene Marathon. I had finished in under 4 1/2 hours. Thirty minutes faster than my last Marathon and I didn't even speed train.
Well shoot, maybe I do want to run it. Maybe I am enticed by the huge goal they set for you in order to qualify. Maybe when the billionth person asks if I've run 'Boston' I could someday say, "Yes, now get off my back!"
Right now I would have to run a Marathon in 3 hours 45 minutes to qualify. That would mean I'd have to shave 45 minutes of my best time. If I wait until I'm forty five I would have 4 hours. I'll do it, someday. Until then when people ask me if I have, I can say,"Not yet."
Apparently your game of hard to get has worked, Mr. Boston Marathon.

Sock update

I'm going to be nice and not include a photo with this one.
The 14.00 socks did the best they could. I had also discovered the power of duct tape as a second skin. Neither of these was enough to protect my already traumatised toes for 26.2 miles. Until two days ago I was pretty sure one of my toes was going to fall off.
I'm kidding. A little.
I'm not sure why distance running gives some people blisters under their toenails, but I am sure that I don't know how to stop it. You can bet that it's super interesting researching it though!
I'm kidding. A lot.
Now I head into pretty painted toenail season with at least one less toenail. I'm not sure how long it will take to come back. Someone suggested modifying a "Lee Press on Nail" for my toes.
They were kidding. I'm considering it.

I'm a runner?

From the information I've gathered from my Runners World Magazine, I have realized I'm not a hardcore runner. Some might even call me (gasp) a jogger.
The magazine has tips every month on speed training, to shave seconds off your races; how to add hex screws to the bottom of your shoes so you can run in snow and ice; and many inspirational articles about the athletes out there who run 100 mile super marathons and 2 day long triathlons.
I saw an add in the magazine for these socks-



-I know they are ugly, and on top of that, they are 14.00 a pair. I'm pretty desperate. I get lovely blisters on the ends of my middle toes when I do long runs. I think these socks will help. I have the Eugene Marathon in one month so I guess I'll soon find out. If they don't work out I have some super cool socks that can be worn with flip flops.

Sceptically Spectacled

On Thursday Avery's teacher told me that Avery has been squinting in class and that I might want to have her eyes checked. Fortunately dear Mrs. Williams had forgotten that she told me this two months ago, so I didn't seem like a bad mom for not taking her to the doctor already. When she told me the first time it coincided with her best girlfriend getting glasses and seemed a little fishy to me.

When I was Avery's age I wanted a broken leg. I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted glasses.

She seemed fine so I let it go until now. Mrs. Williams might not forget this time and maybe Avery does need glasses.
Yesterday, as we were heading to the doctors I still had my doubts and wondered how I would react if the Doctor said her eyes were fine. I quizzed Avery on a few traffic signs.

"What does that one say?" I asked while the billboard was still pretty far off.
"T-tom, thhhhh...." as we get close I realize she is reading the wrong sign.
"Oh, Tomotherapy- that's a hard word" I say. My eye test is inconclusive.
We didn't have to be at the appointment long to realize that Avery is fairly nearsighted. Even she seemed pretty surprised. I was a little excited to pick out glasses. Avery is practical though. She had a pair picked out in five minutes, and I stifled my desire to have her try on every pair in the store. She looks really cute in them. I don't feel bad for waiting. Part of knowing her so well is knowing that I needed to wait and see if this was real instead of rushing her off to the eye doctor.

It was amazing to be there when she noticed the details in branches on far away trees.

Irelin...

Her own woman. Baby of the family, trying to rule the world. Intense focus, genuine concern. Tender towards all creatures, except ants.

Kaevin...

Logical little man, trying to figure out what makes everyone and everything tick. Slap stick humor. Short fuse, sincere apologies. Observant, complimentary, loyal. Such an affectionate boy. Enviable hand eye coordination. Visible personality.