This is my story, and I'm sticking to it

 I don't know when or if I'll ever post this, but I need to get the story out. I'm tired of telling it already, so maybe people can just read this if they don't know. There are enough details to write a book, so I'm just giving the base story. So many things run through my head every day that make my life something that finally makes sense.

I'm going to start with the part way back when I was going through puberty and my mom told me that my older sister Cathy had just told her she is gay. This was very concerning to me because we lived in a conservative small town, and went to an even more conservative church. We were told that being gay was a mortal sin, and friends joked about all gay people being sent to an island that could be blown up, so AIDS would go away. So, my reaction to finding out my sister is gay was less than welcoming. I prayed that she would grow out of it and that none of my friends would find out. I had only met her twice in my life because she lived with her dad in California. She was my sister though, and I didn't want her to go to hell. It makes me sad to think that this is how I was feeling, but it's the truth.

So what was I going to do? I only knew that being heterosexual was normal, and whatever I felt about being straight was the way you should feel about it. I got out of Sweet Home, Oregon, I got over my homophobia, but the small mindedness still hung on. I married at 21 because I thought I felt what I should be feeling. I really wanted to have children and my sex drive was fueled by that. I didn't realize this until after Kaevin was born and I was faced with sex for the sake of sex. I started to dread it. After finding out I was pregnant from the failed vasectomy, I felt betrayed by sex and was happy to never do it again. It was a constant problem with Phil, understandably. I was tired, and scared. I couldn't be nice to Phil, fearing he would think I would have sex with him. Now I was mean, and asexual and I didn't care much because I was so busy.

I was running marathons and soon focused on  the Boston Marathon. I was happy at the idea of running away my problems. The focus was on running and it felt wonderful. After qualifying for Boston and running it the next year, I was high on the whole thing. Having that focus for two and a half years made me feel like I  needed more. I looked at more intense races and scared myself away when I saw the training schedule for 100 mile races. I registered for college and waited. While I waited I had time to think about my life. I had thought quite a few times in my life about the possibility that I could be gay. I would look at women that guys thought were hot, and they didn't do anything for me. The girls in clubs that made out with each other just to turn guys on didn't do anything for me, so I must be straight.

 The first term of college, I had a crush on a classmate. I barely talked to her, but I thought about her a lot. Over the next few months of running, and thinking (and thinking and thinking...) it finally hit me. When I was really able to say it to myself, I was so happy. I finally had a reason for everything I had been feeling. I am gay! I was truly happy and had such a peace about it, I didn't even care about how much this was going to screw up my life for a while. I'm not mean, I'm not asexual; I'm just not into men. I can deal with this.

The many stages of coming out at midlife: "I can live with this, nobody will know and I can stay married. I brought this on myself, it's not anyone else's problem."

Then... " Maybe I can stay married while the kids are little, then come out. It would be nice to feel what love is for at least part of my life."

Then..."When did I decide this is all my decision? I just decided for Phil that he has to stay married to someone who can't love him the way he needs?"

So ensued the last two months. Phil knows, my family knows, most of my friends know, the kids know (Kaevin and Irelin only know about the separation). Can I say how amazing everyone has been? Is it even possible for me to explain how well this has gone and how accepting and loving everyone has been? This has been a fairy tale coming out story so far. I know it will get rough, but everyone I care about is supporting me, so anyone that is ugly about this doesn't matter and their opinions don't either.

Everyone deserves to feel true love.

If I'm going to bite off more than I can chew, it might as well be a really tasty bite

I lived off the adrenaline from Boston for weeks. As it started to run out, I found myself looking for my next big goal and knew I was in trouble when I started looking at super marathons. The training schedule for a 100 miler gave me a panic attack and I settled on running the Seattle Marathon at the end of November. Running a Marathon at the end of November IS pretty crazy.

A couple of weeks later I ended up registering for college. The college with the 2.2 mile track I've run hundreds of times, imagining the day I could finally attend it's classes. It started out as my way of proving to Phil that I would never be able to find classes that worked with the stupid half day kindergarten we have in Oregon. I'm not sure how you can even call 2 1/2 hours a half day.
I registered, took the placement tests (as if 20 year old SAT's would help me now...) and expected to sit around for the next year. Instead, I found 2 classes that are perfectly timed with Irelin's school.

So... my "next big goal" is a bachelors degree. In my normal style of biting off more than I can chew, I have chosen clinical laboratory science as my end goal. I'm taking it small bites at a time, but every time I glance at the big picture it almost knocks me over. I really want everything to stay the same. I want to camp and hike and get the kids to soccer practice. I want to be there when they get home from school. I see some of this slipping away in the near future, and it's scary.

Looking at class descriptions for all the Chemistry and Biology classes is scary too. I'll eat, sleep and breathe that stuff soon. I love science, but maybe I wont be able to pass the advanced classes. It's all to unknown for a 'plan ahead person' like me. So for now I'll step blindly into this goal.

I never thought I could run the Boston marathon either.

Time measured by increments of Avery

Ten years ago today I had a 3 year old boy and was due to have a baby any day.
We lived in Bethel, Connecticut. It was a really snowy winter, hundreds of inches.
Heather was living with us and going to high school.
We were getting our condo ready to put on the market and beginning to pack for our big move west.
I was 29!
I had recently flown to Oregon and my family was able to meet me AT the gate.
The last time I ran was in junior high track.

I never thought about the milestone of passing '09 to '10. Didn't really think about everything that happened in that decade. It hit me more when I was just thinking back to the days before I had Avery. Everything has changed. I love my family and my life. I'm thankful for all my Oregon friends. What did I do without you? I'm thankful for my east coast friends. It takes some work to stay in touch and I really appreciate it. What would I do without you guys?
I never would have believed what I was in for. What can we get done in the next 10? I'm going to take it a day at a time. It's to big to imagine right now.


Quade and Nasdaq, pre-Avery

Dear Ruth,

On the day you were born I looked up out of my haze and saw a pink moon. The year has both creeped, and whizzed by. Everything is all blown around and different now. You have been there hovering over my shoulder keeping me focused and helping me keep your mommy strong. Today it is your first birthday. We sent you cards on balloons. I hope you feel the love. You sent us something more amazing. Last night the world was surrounded by aurora borealis. The whole earth glowed just for you, aren't you just an amazing little thing!? I love the way it was worded in this article-

On August 1st, the entire Earth-facing side of the sun erupted in a tumult of activity. There was a C3-class solar flare, a solar tsunami, multiple filaments of magnetism lifting off the stellar surface, large-scale shaking of the solar corona, radio bursts, a coronal mass ejection and more.

Three days later it hit the earth and lit it up like a colorful marble. Thank you for the sign. Happy Birthday, baby girl.

Mile 500

I am running the Newport Marathon on saturday. I'm not training as seriously as I did for Eugene, because this was just my backup marathon in case I didn't qualify in Eugene. I'm really looking forward to this one. I'm just going to enjoy it. No pressure, no time restraint. Hopefully no gross blisters or missing toenails!

It's been so rainy this week I hadn't done my last training run. I knew I would get to do it today when I woke up to some bright light peeking through some non-rain clouds. Ruth's miles have been very neer 500 and I thought I would hit them during the marathon. On my check of miles this morning I realized I would not only hit them on my 4 mile run today, but I would hit them in one of my favorite spots near my house. I took the camera with me since I had Irelin in the jogging stroller. It's Ruth's 10 month birthday tomorrow.

Here we are Ruthie girl, 500 miles

Mother's Day

I know it's a Hallmark day, but I've grown up with it and, like it or not, it means something to me.
Last week while I was running the Eugene marathon I had support from so many family members that came to watch, and cheer, and in Jim's case- run with me.
My mom meets me in the same spot every year, around mile 8. This year I saw her first. As I was calling for her, I really got a look at her face. Looking past me, for me. Really looking hard, and hopeful, and- I guess I just recognised it as the look you have when your watching your kids and so proud. The way I look at my kids. I really wished I could get a picture of her face.
After I called her a few times and slowed just a bit, she saw me and was all flustered trying to get a picture- then she took off down the road ahead of me so she could get another picture. This is the picture.
It's the only picture of me looking happy during the race, and I'm happy because of her. I wish I had time to stop and hug her and tell her how much that look in her eyes meant to me. I'll never forget it.

I am 1624

I got my bib number in an e-mail today, 1624. Race day is coming so fast.
Could I have run more in February and March? I wonder if I stretched enough. I've had three pretty good nightmares about the marathon. Shelly had a dream that I was super tall and won the marathon. I like her dream.
Overall I think I trained as well as I could. I had some great runs, and some really bad runs. I even kept thinking the same pile of branches was a rabbit when I did 10 laps at the local college 2 mile track. I was "run drunk". Mostly, the wind was hard. It pushed me back. Every time it got really hard- I could talk to Ruth and remember why I'm doing this. The last windy day I ran, I had the wind at my back. It pushed so hard that I could imagine two tiny hands at the small of my back, pushing me along.
I'm afraid of failing because I'm not doing this for me. I don't want to fail her.
I have a little bracelet that will be with me when I run the marathon. I add a shell every time I run 100 miles since she was born. All the miles that she has run with me. It has an "R" for Ruth and a little silver shoe, she is my running partner- so she gets her shoe.

Her memory has kept me strong and focused when I feel weak and unsure. Thank you Ruth.